Nobody Likes Me..

"Nobody likes me. Everybody hates me. I'll just go eat worms.."

A couple of days ago, I began singing this song on my way back to the church after dropping the lunch kids off at their houses. I didn't really think much about it at first ~ Catchy tune, learned it as a silly song when I was little, and I had just had two kids tell me that they were not going to come back to the lunch program tomorrow (because they were mad at me). The song seemed super random, but it kinda fit the situation I guess. I thought to myself in that moment: I know those kids don't hate me. Dislike me [maybe even strongly at times], yes. But hate.. no. But then The Lord brought to mind some of the scriptures I had read that morning:

"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you." John 15:18-19

Whoa. What a statement.
What joy and peace we can find knowing that we do not belong to the world! How awesome and overwhelmingly amazing to know that The Lord has CHOSEN US. Yet for this life, we must deal with something that can be a harsh reality at times. "the world hates you." This does not always come in the form of outright hateful actions.. But sometimes it does. And sometimes it comes in the voice of a little boy who's living through unimaginable situations and hurting so deeply: "You're stupid. I'm never coming back here again." And yet he continues to come back every day. The Lord wants his heart; I know it.

Please pray for this child especially, but also all of the kids that are a part of the lunch program. Pray that their hearts will be softened to the Love that God has for them. Pray that they will find the only Hope that can give them Peace in more-than-difficult circumstances. Pray that they will come to VBS (it's coming up soon!) and that they will have open ears to hear the Good News that we have to share.

Lord, we know that You go before us. Prepare the way in the hearts of these precious kids that You love so dearly. Prepare the hearts of the parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, guardians, etc as well ~ that they would be willing to come; to step inside the doors of the church; to hear their kids talk about what they learned at VBS for the day; to listen to the fun songs and actually hear the lyrics. Lord, show them who You are! 

Spontaneous Worship

Oh Lord, You are so worthy to be praised!! 

At the most random times yesterday, these songs came to mind and I was ready to raise my hands and dance in worship! It was awesome!! So I thought I'd share and now you can sing with me!

Well I could sing unending songs of how You saved my soul! And I could dance a thousand miles because of Your great Love! My heart is bursting, Lord, to tell of all You’ve done ~ of how You changed my life and wiped away the past! I wanna shout it out; from every rooftop sing! For now I know that God is for me, not against me! Oh, I sing unending songs of how You saved my soul! And I could dance a thousand miles because of Your great Love!

*The Happy Song, by Chris Tomlin

You stood before creation, eternity in Your hand; You spoke the earth into motion, my soul now to stand. You stood before my failure; You carried the cross for my shame. My sin weighed upon Your shoulders, my soul now to stand. So what could I say? What could I do? But offer this heart, O God, completely to You! So I’ll walk upon salvation, Your Spirit alive in me! This life to declare Your promise, my soul now to stand. What could I say? What could I do? But offer this heart, O God, completely to You!

So I’ll stand with arms high and heart abandoned! In awe of the One who gave it all! I’ll stand; my soul, Lord, to You surrendered! All I am is Yours! So I’ll stand with arms high and heart abandoned! In awe of the One who gave it all! I’ll stand; my soul, Lord, to You surrendered! All I am is Yours!

*The Stand, by Hillsong

300 Kids

One ministry that I am able to be a part of here in Kodiak this summer involves the free lunch program provided by one of the schools. The church I am partnering with began an outreach last summer by driving kids from a neighborhood across town over to the school to eat. Afterwards, we play at the playground for a while before taking them back home (or at least back to their neighborhood). This is such a tremendous blessing to be a part of, but it is also heart-wrenching at times. 

I told multiple people last week that if I could, I would adopt about 300 kids in a heartbeat. (we don't have 300 kids in the lunch program; that was just my number). These kids that I'm surrounded by need Hope so desperately. I just want to love them. I just want them to know how much JESUS loves them!! 

"Most of the time I'm just alone, so that's why I'm outside playing all the time." - said by an 8-year-old. Broke my heart. It's too normal -  too "okay" - for kids to be left to fend for themselves all day. It can be so discouraging to look around at all of the hurt that surrounds us every day. It can be overwhelming when we want to ease the pain that we know people are going through. We will never be able to "fix" or "help" every situation. But we can take heart in this! ~ We can provide a source of Hope in any and every situation and circumstance. "You see, we don't go around preaching about ourselves. We preach that Jesus Christ is Lord, and we ourselves are your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, 'Let there be light in the darkness,' has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ." ~ 2 Corinthians 4:5-6

Please be praying that these kids that I get to love on every Monday - Thursday would truly know how much I care about them and love them, so that they will listen with open ears and open hearts when I am able to share the best news ever with them!! (JESUS!) Also, pray that The Lord would be working in the hearts of their parents/guardians. We have VBS coming up in three weeks, and family night is a fantastic time to touch the lives of parents as well! Lastly, pray that there will be a ministry (either within the church that we will hold the VBS or elsewhere), where we can plug these kids in year-round so that they can continue hearing the Good News!

"Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.'" ~ Matthew 19:14

Deep Pain; Deeper Peace

My heart hurts. And yet it also has peace. It is so torn by what seems to be two completely opposite things, and yet maybe they kind of go together. Loss; death; grief; hurt; pain; suffering.. it surrounds us. My heart hurts for the ones I've lost that I love; I grieve, too, for the families they left behind who miss them so much more than I ever could. And yet the Bible says, “Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.” At times, this has kind of seemed like a – for lack of a better word – harsh verse. How can you tell someone they are blessed when they are hurting so badly?? Suffering such great loss?

However, I think maybe I’m beginning to understand a little:

I hate pain because it hurts. But.. in the pain, I can find comfort, peace, and joy that I can find nowhere else. I cannot love pain. But I do love my Jesus. And I believe He can work profoundly in the midst of our deepest pain. Does a hug not mean a little bit more when it is received in the midst of pain? Does encouragement not seem greater when we’re struggling with discouragement? So I have found in my relationship with The Lord: my trust in Him finds new depth when going through trials; my prayers become more fervent in situations that I feel a greater need for direction and understanding; my love grows as I recognize more of who He is.. And when the pain runs deep [real deep], His comfort and peace go deeper still. There is no peace like that which we find in the middle of heartache; in places we know that we shouldn't be able to. Yet we can; we do. ~ It’s a peace that passes all understanding. And it guards our hearts and our minds. Forever. 

If you don't know this Jesus I'm talking about, or have never experienced the depth of peace that can only come from God, I would love to talk with you. I so desperately want you to know Him! I can listen, pray for, or share with you.. And would be more than happy to. I'm just a message/phone call away :)

Standing on Truth

Just the complete and honest truth for the moment, people.
I'm not sharing because I need you to comment to encourage me; I'm sharing because it's real. And by being real in this moment, I hope to encourage you to stand on the Truth and the Promises of God. If you believe the Word of God is true, you do not have to be tossed about by your feelings or by the lies we are thrown.

What I feel:

--> in the way

--> worthless

--> not good enough

--> unattractive (to put it politely)

--> bothersome

--> awkward

--> talks too much

--> lazy

--> stupid 

--> going to fail

What I know:

--> I am a Daughter of the Most High King

--> I am Loved

--> I am accepted by my Father

--> I am beautiful in His sight

--> I am here for a specific purpose

--> all my days have already been laid out before me

--> it's not about what I can do

--> it is about what The Lord is doing in and through me

--> my God is enough

--> my Savior can move mountains

--> this list goes on and on..

Can you guess who's bringing revival to Kodiak?! (GOD). Can you guess who gets to be a part of it? (myself and others!). Can you guess who's not happy about any of it? (the enemy of our souls).

"The thief [satan] comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I [Jesus] have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." ~ John 10:10

"Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God." ~ Ephesians 6:14-17

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." ~ Zephaniah 3:17

You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.'" ~ 2 Chronicles 20:17

Do You Trust Me?

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not [do not depend] on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge [submit to] Him, and He will make your paths straight." ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

Back towards the beginning of May, The Lord asked me a question: 

"Do you trust Me?" 

I had been praying about something that I felt would be an okay and positive thing, but I wasn't sure it was what I was supposed to do. Looking back, I don't remember ever getting a "yes" or "no" answer; it was always the question. Our conversations (prayers) usually went along these lines:

"Do you trust Me?"

"Yes, Lord, I trust You. But I don't really understand why I shouldn't.."

"Do you trust Me?"

"Yes, Lord. But what about..?"

"Do you trust Me?"

"Yes. Yes, I do."

There is not time nor need to share every detail of this story; I simply want to share with you that The Lord is faithful. He knew what was ahead of me, and He worked things out in His way and His timing. But I needed to trust. When I chose to trust that God had everything under control, He gave me peace that I wasn't expecting. 

After a week or two of constantly reaffirming my trust in whatever God was doing, regardless of whether or not I understood, another situation came up. This time we didn't have insurance to cover the van while my dad and I drove it from Texas to Alaska. Frustration built as we seemed to come upon dead end after dead end. (by the way, this was all happening on the day I had planned to drive the van home) As we sat waiting with what seemed to be no options left, I shared my earlier story with a friend. She replied, "Maybe He's asking you to trust Him in this situation too." She was right. And I did trust Him. But I was a bit frustrated at the moment. We needed insurance. And couldn't seem to get it. As I later drove across town, resigned to the fact that the only option we had left was a process that would take 2-3 days minimum, I received a phone call. The phone call was from Pastor Gary in Kodiak. His words: "Well.. I got us insurance." What?!? His next words: "Do you trust me?" Yes, Pastor Gary (AND GOD!), I trust you. Again, no need for all the details, but it was literally a miracle that we were able to get insurance coverage without going through that days-long process. Thank You, Lord!

It is a question that is there way more often than we probably recognize: "Do we trust Him?" 

Do we trust Him when we want to do things our way instead of His? Do we trust Him when things don't go the way we expected them to go? Do we trust Him when we lose those that we love so dearly? Do we trust Him enough to know we will be okay? Do we trust that He holds eternity in the palm of His hand? He is so trustworthy. The Lord is so faithful. We don't need to understand; He simply asks us to trust. Hold tight to Him. He's not letting go. What an amazing God, worthy of our worship and praise forever.

His Ways Are Higher.

Late last week, this world lost two amazing men. I learned of the news of both losses within a matter of 10 minutes. Devastation. My heart shattered. A million things ran through my head as I sat crumpled on my apartment floor, but mostly.. God, why? I notified my boss that I probably would not make it into work that day and headed out to the lake with a friend to pray. However, the majority of our time ended up being spent talking about everything but what had just happened. I didn't want to suppress everything that was going on, but I wasn't fully ready and willing to deal with it either. I attended a missions worship at church that evening, but didn't really know what to do with myself. Throughout the day, I felt The Lord telling me to come to Him. Fully come to Him. But I didn't want to.. Because I knew that meant allowing my heart to break even more. My Father wanted to take the burden from me and help me bear the pain, but I couldn't.. I couldn't fully accept and acknowledge all that was going on inside of me and give it to Him. That night (Friday), I talked briefly with that same friend on the phone. She prayed the most amazing prayer over our small town, over all those affected by recent losses, and she prayed for my heart. I remember her praying that I would allow my heart to be open and vulnerable. But I didn't really think that was possible. I went to sleep resting in my Heavenly Father's loving embrace, yet still holding on to so much by myself.

Saturday I felt at a complete loss. I had finals to study for; a CLEP test to pass; a summer class to start; pictures to copy; a room to clean; Alaska plans to take care of; the list went on.. But I didn't want to. I didn't know if I could. So I texted another friend. We eventually decided to meet out at the church and then go for a drive together. I started telling her that I was hoping to try to move my finals around if need be to be able to make it to the services in Perryton, but I wasn't sure how it would work out. I didn't expect my professor to check his email on the weekend. She immediately said, "Well, do you want to pray about that?" No. No, I really didn't want to. It all seemed more than I could even find words to pray about. I couldn't find my voice even if I had had words to say. And I still didn't want to let go, which would be required if I were to pray. So instead I just talked a good while longer about who these men were and how much they had meant to me, my family, and so many other countless people. Then we drove in silence for what felt like forever. The entire time, I was battling. I wanted to pray because I knew that was the only power I had. Yet I didn't know how. Finally, with a weak voice, I began to pray.. First, that The Lord would work out my schedule to where I could attend the services in Perryton. Then, for wisdom in what I was supposed to do; how to love on those that are hurting so desperately.. Then my friend began to pray. She prayed for peace, comfort, understanding, and on and on.. We prayed together for a while longer. We claimed the promises of The Lord that He will draw near to us when we draw near to Him. Jesus came to bind up the brokenhearted (Isaiah 61:1). Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted (Matthew 5:4).

After this, I played a song that had come to mind as we were praying. It's called Let Us See, by Youth for the Nations. There was part of me that didn't want to play it because it's usually a song that we sing with so much energy and joy, and I just didn't feel that. But the lyrics were a part of our prayer:

You said to us if we ask it would be given; You said to us if we seek then we would find; You said to us if we knock the door would open, so here we are asking of You. You said the pure in heart would see Your face; You said the humble, You look upon with grace. We are here drawing near to You, would You draw near to us?.. Won't You let us see Your Glory?! Would You let us see Your face?! We are here for just one purpose: that's to lift up Jesus' name!

Sunday morning, I prayed that Heaven would come down on every congregation where hearts were grieving. A song that we often sing at Beltway, has these lyrics: "Alleluia ~ With all of heaven we are singing!" I know it's not the same, but y'all! We get to worship our God with the one's we love, even those that are no longer with us.. They just get to be at His actual feet and we get to worship Him here. 

Today, I took a final at 8am and then ended up hanging out at the BSM for a bit before going to my second test for the day. As I walked out of the BSM, I was thinking about what I should do; what am I to say in this middle of all that is going on? Immediately, a song was in my head. Sometimes it takes me a while to figure out what the song actually is because I only start with a few words or a melody.. And God lets me figure out the rest. The song that was in my head this morning is called **Whoa!! What in the world, Jesus!? We interrupt this blog to add even more crazy amazing details that God decided to throw in there.. Just cause He loves us that much.** So I actually stopped mid-sentence to Google what the name of the song was because I really had no idea. I just knew the words. Turns out that the song is a Beltway (my church here) original. I clicked on the link that would lead me to the lyrics page and found this written at the top (posted March 2012): We are going to be teaching a new song this weekend called, “We Give Thanks!” It’s really wild how things “pan out” sometimes. It’s exciting and comforting to see the Holy Spirit line things up His way. It was several weeks ago when we haphazardly decided to try to introduce this song this coming Sunday.. Earlier this week when we were looking to see if we were on the right track, we realized that our pastor would be teaching on learning to trust God when he doesn't do what you expect Him to do. The correlation with the lyrical content of the song was uncanny and we decided it was the right time for the song. Now here I am on Friday, two days before we’re going to introduce it and I’ve spent the morning hanging out with my son whose age is measured in weeks while reading emails about preparations for a memorial service I will be a pall bearer in. A memorial of a life fully lived. It is my hope that this song will be a tool that teaches our hearts to trust God and engage Him even in the most difficult circumstances. These are words that will be very real for me to sing. The truth we are declaring is that God is always good and he is always up to good things, so no matter what it looks like, we must learn to give thanks! Wow! After revealing the lyrics of the song, I had planned to explain how I had a kind of hard time accepting that song this morning.. I knew God had given it me, but to tell someone to give thanks in this kind of situation just doesn't fully seem fair. But we can - and should - we must give thanks even in times like this. Because we serve a God that is good at all times! He loves us more than we could ever imagine.. He absolutely does not desire our destruction, but that we would come to Him with our tired and weary hearts and allow Him to fill us with His Love. His perfect Love. 

Here's a portion of the lyrics:

Any trial I find I'm in, Your promise still stands true, that You're working things for good beyond my understanding. We believe You're up to something good! So we give thanks to You, God, in every situation. No matter what it looks like, we give thanks. We give thanks to You, God, because we know You're faithful! No one else is worthy; we give thanks. I may not understand why You have me on this road, but I trust Your plan for me and Your power to complete it.

Father God, I continue to lift up the families and friends of Rodney and Bobby. God, our hearts ache in missing them. But I thank you for allowing me the blessing of having them in my life for a season. I thank you for the influence they had, not only on me but on everyone they met, Lord. I thank You for the Hope that we have only in You! I thank you for the sacrifice You were willing to make so that we can have that Hope. Father, I pray that You would give us strength and boldness to carry that message with us wherever we go. Fill us with the peace and comfort that only You can give. Draw us together as Your body as we minister to one another during this time. Give us glimpses of eternity and the Glory that our loved ones are experiencing fully in these very moments. Thank You for Your faithfulness, and for Your everlasting Love. Amen. 

"For to me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better.. I'm torn between two desires: I long to go and be with Christ, which would be far better for me." ~ Philippians 1:21-23

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." ~ 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

"Therefore, we who have fled to Him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God's inner sanctuary." Hebrews 6:18b-19