Saturday I felt at a complete loss. I had finals to study for; a CLEP test to pass; a summer class to start; pictures to copy; a room to clean; Alaska plans to take care of; the list went on.. But I didn't want to. I didn't know if I could. So I texted another friend. We eventually decided to meet out at the church and then go for a drive together. I started telling her that I was hoping to try to move my finals around if need be to be able to make it to the services in Perryton, but I wasn't sure how it would work out. I didn't expect my professor to check his email on the weekend. She immediately said, "Well, do you want to pray about that?" No. No, I really didn't want to. It all seemed more than I could even find words to pray about. I couldn't find my voice even if I had had words to say. And I still didn't want to let go, which would be required if I were to pray. So instead I just talked a good while longer about who these men were and how much they had meant to me, my family, and so many other countless people. Then we drove in silence for what felt like forever. The entire time, I was battling. I wanted to pray because I knew that was the only power I had. Yet I didn't know how. Finally, with a weak voice, I began to pray.. First, that The Lord would work out my schedule to where I could attend the services in Perryton. Then, for wisdom in what I was supposed to do; how to love on those that are hurting so desperately.. Then my friend began to pray. She prayed for peace, comfort, understanding, and on and on.. We prayed together for a while longer. We claimed the promises of The Lord that He will draw near to us when we draw near to Him. Jesus came to bind up the brokenhearted (Isaiah 61:1). Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted (Matthew 5:4).
After this, I played a song that had come to mind as we were praying. It's called Let Us See, by Youth for the Nations. There was part of me that didn't want to play it because it's usually a song that we sing with so much energy and joy, and I just didn't feel that. But the lyrics were a part of our prayer:
You said to us if we ask it would be given; You said to us if we seek then we would find; You said to us if we knock the door would open, so here we are asking of You. You said the pure in heart would see Your face; You said the humble, You look upon with grace. We are here drawing near to You, would You draw near to us?.. Won't You let us see Your Glory?! Would You let us see Your face?! We are here for just one purpose: that's to lift up Jesus' name!
Sunday morning, I prayed that Heaven would come down on every congregation where hearts were grieving. A song that we often sing at Beltway, has these lyrics: "Alleluia ~ With all of heaven we are singing!" I know it's not the same, but y'all! We get to worship our God with the one's we love, even those that are no longer with us.. They just get to be at His actual feet and we get to worship Him here.
Today, I took a final at 8am and then ended up hanging out at the BSM for a bit before going to my second test for the day. As I walked out of the BSM, I was thinking about what I should do; what am I to say in this middle of all that is going on? Immediately, a song was in my head. Sometimes it takes me a while to figure out what the song actually is because I only start with a few words or a melody.. And God lets me figure out the rest. The song that was in my head this morning is called **Whoa!! What in the world, Jesus!? We interrupt this blog to add even more crazy amazing details that God decided to throw in there.. Just cause He loves us that much.** So I actually stopped mid-sentence to Google what the name of the song was because I really had no idea. I just knew the words. Turns out that the song is a Beltway (my church here) original. I clicked on the link that would lead me to the lyrics page and found this written at the top (posted March 2012): We are going to be teaching a new song this weekend called, “We Give Thanks!” It’s really wild how things “pan out” sometimes. It’s exciting and comforting to see the Holy Spirit line things up His way. It was several weeks ago when we haphazardly decided to try to introduce this song this coming Sunday.. Earlier this week when we were looking to see if we were on the right track, we realized that our pastor would be teaching on learning to trust God when he doesn't do what you expect Him to do. The correlation with the lyrical content of the song was uncanny and we decided it was the right time for the song. Now here I am on Friday, two days before we’re going to introduce it and I’ve spent the morning hanging out with my son whose age is measured in weeks while reading emails about preparations for a memorial service I will be a pall bearer in. A memorial of a life fully lived. It is my hope that this song will be a tool that teaches our hearts to trust God and engage Him even in the most difficult circumstances. These are words that will be very real for me to sing. The truth we are declaring is that God is always good and he is always up to good things, so no matter what it looks like, we must learn to give thanks! Wow! After revealing the lyrics of the song, I had planned to explain how I had a kind of hard time accepting that song this morning.. I knew God had given it me, but to tell someone to give thanks in this kind of situation just doesn't fully seem fair. But we can - and should - we must give thanks even in times like this. Because we serve a God that is good at all times! He loves us more than we could ever imagine.. He absolutely does not desire our destruction, but that we would come to Him with our tired and weary hearts and allow Him to fill us with His Love. His perfect Love.
Here's a portion of the lyrics:
Any trial I find I'm in, Your promise still stands true, that You're working things for good beyond my understanding. We believe You're up to something good! So we give thanks to You, God, in every situation. No matter what it looks like, we give thanks. We give thanks to You, God, because we know You're faithful! No one else is worthy; we give thanks. I may not understand why You have me on this road, but I trust Your plan for me and Your power to complete it.
Father God, I continue to lift up the families and friends of Rodney and Bobby. God, our hearts ache in missing them. But I thank you for allowing me the blessing of having them in my life for a season. I thank you for the influence they had, not only on me but on everyone they met, Lord. I thank You for the Hope that we have only in You! I thank you for the sacrifice You were willing to make so that we can have that Hope. Father, I pray that You would give us strength and boldness to carry that message with us wherever we go. Fill us with the peace and comfort that only You can give. Draw us together as Your body as we minister to one another during this time. Give us glimpses of eternity and the Glory that our loved ones are experiencing fully in these very moments. Thank You for Your faithfulness, and for Your everlasting Love. Amen.
"For to me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better.. I'm torn between two desires: I long to go and be with Christ, which would be far better for me." ~ Philippians 1:21-23
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." ~ 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
"Therefore, we who have fled to Him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God's inner sanctuary." Hebrews 6:18b-19
